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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102994">I Run Away From Myself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltUniverseWash/pseuds/AltUniverseWash'>AltUniverseWash</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Born of Want [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chatting &amp; Messaging, Conversations, Earth C (Homestuck), Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotions, Established Relationship, F/F, Feelings, Gap Filler, Graphics, Homestuck started when the Beta kids were 16, Late Night Conversations, Multi, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Self-Doubt, Texting, Trans Female Character, Transfem Jade Harley, Transfem Kanaya Maryam, discord conversation, graphical fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 04:47:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102994</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltUniverseWash/pseuds/AltUniverseWash</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world after the end of S'Burb - a world where things have progressed in a subtly-but-importantly different way than they might have in another timeline - Jade Harley texts Kanaya Maryam, hoping to talk to her for a while.</p><p>Set in the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754740">Born of Want AU</a>, this is a story about self-doubt, love, and navigating your feelings and relationships - told through a series of texts and narrative asides.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jade Harley/Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Born of Want [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754740</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Original work</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work contains an accessible text version as the second chapter.</p><p>This piece was originally written for the <a href="https://twitter.com/JadeHarleyZine">Loneliest Girl Zine</a> - please check out the other pieces!</p><p>Art for the lock screen and PFPs was drawn by the most excellent <a href="https://twitter.com/YoItsCro">Cro</a>!</p><p><a href="https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWash">Follow me on Twitter</a> for more japes and hijinks!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, thank you very much for reading! If you enjoyed this story, check out the rest of the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754740">Born of Want series</a> - a direct alternative to the post-canon continuation, Born of Want explores the relationship we have with others and ourselves as the characters from Homestuck struggle to find a place in their new world and two once-powerful meta-narrative entities struggle to understand their own limitations.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Accessible text</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is the accessible text version for screen readers or those who have issues reading the image version. For the full visual experience, please read the first chapter.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jade: I don’t know what to do now…<br/>
Narrator: Why? Aren’t you happy?<br/>
Jade: Of course I’m happy! I’ve never been happier!<br/>
Narrator: Are you trying to convince me… or yourself?<br/>
Jade: Stop it! I’m not trying to convince anyone…<br/>
Narrator: But?<br/>
Jade: But it’s…<br/>
Jade: Complicated<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>2:38 am<br/>
Jade: Are you still up?<br/>
Kanaya: No Jade This Is A Recorded Auto Response Message<br/>
I Am Learning To Do More Human Things<br/>
Like Mislead People Regarding My Wakefulness<br/>
Jade: Well, when you’re awake I need to talk to you<br/>
Want to talk to you.<br/>
Kanaya: Jade That Was A Human Joke<br/>
I Have Fooled You Because I Was Actually Responding All Along<br/>
I Misled You But In A Way Which Provided Momentary Amusement<br/>
Jade: Oh! 8B<br/>
Kanaya: What Did You Want To Talk About?<br/>
Jade: Kanaya, do you ever feel… <br/>
Lonely?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Narrator: How is it complicated? Not saying that to be facetious - I genuinely don’t know your meaning here<br/>
Jade: I feel like I should feel different now<br/>
Jade: Everyone’s figuring their shit out<br/>
Jade: Rose and Kanaya are so good to me<br/>
Jade: But…<br/>
Narrator: You still feel like something’s not right?<br/>
Jade: Yeah…<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Kanaya: I Am Unsure Of The Meaning Behind This<br/>
Jade: You know what… never mind…<br/>
Kanaya: Jade This Is Obviously Important<br/>
This Is Not A Typical Time Of Day To Have Mundane Conversations<br/>
Either Of The Human Sort Or Otherwise<br/>
Jade: Yeah<br/>
Just<br/>
I dunno<br/>
Kanaya: Would It Help To Reassure You That I Love You Very Much?<br/>
Rose As Well<br/>
Although She Is Presently Asleep<br/>
Jade: Okay, but…<br/>
Why?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: It just feels like things should maybe be different<br/>
Jade: Like, I’m out here talking to you<br/>
Jade: And I’m back there, talking to Kanya<br/>
Jade: I feel like I’m two people at the same time<br/>
Narrator: It’s a disconcerting experience, I’m sure<br/>
Jade: Don’t patronize me!<br/>
Narrator: I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Kanaya: Why What?<br/>
Jade: Why do you both love me?<br/>
I’m not saying I don’t believe you but…<br/>
Why?!<br/>
Kanaya: Is This More Of An Existential Question Or Do You Just Want Me To Tell You How Beautiful You Are?<br/>
Jade: Stop it… I’m blushing now!<br/>
Kanaya: A Normal Response I Am Told<br/>
Jade: I… thank  you.<br/>
But no… more the first one.<br/>
Kanaya: The Question Of One’s Essential Worthiness Of Love?<br/>
Jade: Yeah…<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I was supposed to figure all this stuff out!<br/>
Jade: Like I’m the woman who’s in this relationship<br/>
Jade: But I’m still also the girl alone on the island<br/>
Jade: It doesn’t feel like I’ve earned anything!<br/>
Narrator: Why is that important to you – the feeling of earning your own happiness?<br/>
Jade: Not my happiness exactly, but… I don’t know, okay!<br/>
Narrator: Isn’t it, though? Isn’t that how it feels?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I guess I’m used to everything being something I have to do myself, you know?<br/>
Like I was saying before, I don’t feel like I’ve earned it!<br/>
Kanaya: I Do Not Recall You Saying That Before<br/>
Jade: Oh shit… sorry. Thought I said that.<br/>
Kanaya: Regardless I Think I Understand The Essential Meaning<br/>
And I Empathize With How You Feel<br/>
Having Been Made To Feel A Very Similar Way About Nearly Everything<br/>
Alternia Was Not A Kind Place Generally Speaking<br/>
Jade: Then how did you deal with it? You always look like you’ve got your stuff so together!<br/>
Kanaya: Appearance And Reality Are Often Quite Divorced From One Another I Find<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: Are you saying I haven’t earned happiness yet?<br/>
Narrator: What? No! That’s not something you have to earn in the first place!<br/>
Narrator: Don’t you think you’re worthy of that just by virtue of existing?<br/>
Jade: I don’t know! It’s been so much happening one thing after another and I don’t know!<br/>
Jade: The world ends, I’m in the game, I’m a god… <br/>
Jade: I just feel like I slipped through the cracks of the world at some point<br/>
Jade: Here I am… out here… but also I’m still there<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: It’s…<br/>
Narrator: Disconcerting?<br/>
Jade: Terrifying<br/>
Jade: And it’s so lonely!<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I feel like I’m always about to fall apart all of the time, Kanaya!<br/>
Look at how I acted when I tried to tell Rose how I felt!<br/>
Kanaya: I Will Admit That Was Awkward<br/>
But Charming In A Highly Endearing Way<br/>
Also The End Result Was Pleasant I Would Say<br/>
Jade: Blushing!!!<br/>
Kanaya: A Normal Human Response As I Said Before<br/>
Jade: God I don’t deserve you.<br/>
I don’t deserve Rose.<br/>
Kanaya: That Is An Objectively Untrue Statement<br/>
Why Are You Spreading Human Lies In My Good Christian Pestercord Chat?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I guess it’s that I don’t really belong anywhere<br/>
Jade: I was alone growing up – grandpa died when I was a baby and…<br/>
Jade: I dunno, Bec was nice but Bec was also a dog<br/>
Jade: God-like dog with powers, but still a dog!<br/>
Jade: Everything I had to figure out… no one ever gave me any real feedback!<br/>
Jade: Not for the longest time!<br/>
Narrator: Yeah, I can’t say I understand precisely but… I do understand loneliness<br/>
Narrator: And feeling like you’re just on your own<br/>
Jade: Like, even the silliest stuff – like, I always knew I was a girl, and then I get on the Internet and suddenly people are telling me there’s reasons I can’t be one and I don’t know how to feel about that! And then other people are telling me it’s okay – there’s a word for that! I feel like I’m being told I can’t just be myself by half the people and that I’m fine by the other half!<br/>
Narrator: I understand… maybe more than I’d like to admit<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: You always do this!<br/>
Kanaya: I Am Sorry<br/>
I Do Not Know What It Is I Always Do<br/>
Jade: Yes you do!!!<br/>
You’re always so…<br/>
So goddamn…<br/>
ARGH!<br/>
Jade: You’re so fucking good to me all the time!<br/>
Why are you like that?!<br/>
Kanaya: I Was Under The Impression That Positive Feelings Were Typically Appreciated By Human Partners<br/>
I Know The Quadrant System Is Somewhat Different But That Is A Thing I Was Quite Sure Of<br/>
Jade: No no, that’s not it!<br/>
It’s not that I don’t appreciate it!<br/>
I don’t deserve it!!!<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: So everything happens and of course… I guess I figure that’s how it’s supposed to be?<br/>
Jade: Who am I? Just some silly girl who thought she could fit in with other people, maybe<br/>
Jade: And I just end up alone again for so long, or under the Condesce’s control!<br/>
Narrator: You don’t feel like you ever got to live as yourself?<br/>
Jade: Yeah! Even though I guess I did growing up – but I was a child! And I was still trying to sort things out and spent years tearing myself apart over it!<br/>
Jade: Do you have any idea how many times I wished things could just… end?<br/>
Narrator: I do understand how you feel… yes<br/>
Jade: Is that why I’m out here?<br/>
Narrator: What?<br/>
Jade: Don’t do this<br/>
Jade: You saw who I was and what I’d been through… and some part of you latched onto it<br/>
Jade: That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Kanaya: Please Stop Saying That Jade<br/>
It Is Not True<br/>
Jade: Of course you’ll say that, because you’re fucking perfect!<br/>
Kanaya: I Am Far From Perfect<br/>
Jade: I’m so sorry – I’m just bothering you, right? That’s it?<br/>
Kanaya: Jade<br/>
Can You Please Listen To Me For At Least A Minute?<br/>
Jade: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!<br/>
Kanaya: Please Do Not Say That<br/>
It Is Just<br/>
I Understand How You Feel<br/>
Probably Better Than You Know<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: Please don’t do this<br/>
Jade: I’m not a child anymore and I…<br/>
Jade: I feel like I know things about you<br/>
Jade: Things I have no right to know!<br/>
Jade: I can see things about me, but they’re not about me!<br/>
Jade: Does that make sense?<br/>
Narrator: Yes<br/>
Narrator: I’m sorry, you’re the first person I’ve spoken to in this exact situation<br/>
Jade: That’s a strangely specific way of putting it<br/>
Narrator: It’s a long story<br/>
Narrator: It’s complicated, you might say<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Kanaya: I Know We Haven’t Spoken Much On My Time In The Brooding Caves<br/>
Or Much About How Trolls Perceive Gender<br/>
It Is A Complicated Matter To Address When Dealing With A Species So Alike And Yet So Different In Many Ways<br/>
Suffice To Say I Was Raised In A Way That Was Highly Isolating And Not Unlike Your Own<br/>
Jade: Yeah, I guess I never really asked you about how you grew up.<br/>
Does that make me a shitty girlfriend?<br/>
Kanaya: No I Find It To Be Completely Immaterial To Your Qualities As A Girlfriend<br/>
A Thing I Must Say You Are Exemplary At In All Ways<br/>
Jade: 80<br/>
Kanaya: I Do Not Understand The Relevance Of The Number Eighty<br/>
Jade: No, see, like, it’s my face with my glasses and I’m making a “whaaaaat?” mouth because of what you just said.<br/>
Kanaya: Oh<br/>
I See<br/>
Now I Am Blushing<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I doesn’t matter that much<br/>
Jade: I don’t know who or what you are, exactly, but I think I get it<br/>
Jade: Some kind of cosmic being that oversees everything<br/>
Jade: Except you’re kinda not?<br/>
Jade: I feel like at the end of the day you’re just…<br/>
Jade: Kind of a girl like me?<br/>
Narrator: Saying “girl” might be being a bit generous at my age, but I’d say that’s basically right<br/>
Narrator: And yes, I think that you’re in a unique position as far as the overlap of your personal story and mine… at least in certain key elements<br/>
Jade: So you were raised by a dog with space powers too?<br/>
Narrator: What? No, I…<br/>
Oh, you’re joking<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Kanaya: My Point Is That I Was Born As What You Might See As A Male<br/>
I Was Expected To Fill A Certain Role In Society<br/>
But It Never Felt Right To Me<br/>
I Believe In The Terminology Rose Has Used You Would Call Me An Ovary<br/>
Jade: A WHAT?!<br/>
Kanaya: You Know<br/>
The Thing That Cluckbeasts Lay<br/>
An Ovaloid Protein Containment Shell?<br/>
Jade: An egg?<br/>
You’re saying you were an egg?<br/>
OMG!<br/>
Kanaya: Yes<br/>
An Egg In The Metaphorical Sense<br/>
And Then A Woman In The Literal Sense<br/>
Once I Realized That Was An Option<br/>
Alternia Is Similar To Earth In That Respect<br/>
Also In That I Was Not Treated Especially Well For It<br/>
Jade: God tell me about it. People on the Internet were so shitty to me!<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Narrator: I guess I saw what you were going through and I felt some connection to it<br/>
Narrator: Coming from a much less fantastical version of events but…<br/>
Narrator: I know what it feels like to feel powerless<br/>
Narrator: To wonder whether I’m just supposed to suffer alone forever<br/>
Narrator: To think I’m not worthy of basic affection<br/>
Jade: But the difference is…<br/>
Jade: God…<br/>
Jade: I don’t know but there’s a difference!<br/>
Narrator: Is there?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I always wondered if it would’ve been different to have grandpa around.<br/>
Or my parents.<br/>
But I guess my parents were… I guess that wasn’t really a normal situation, was it?<br/>
Kanaya: My Mother Was A Giant Bug<br/>
Such As These Things Go<br/>
It Is Not The Situation We Come From But Rather That Which We Find Ourselves In<br/>
Not Who We Were Forced To Associate With But Who We Choose To Associate With<br/>
Jade: Great, but that doesn’t explain why you associate with me!<br/>
Kanaya: Because You Are A Wonderful Woman<br/>
You Are Considerate And Kind<br/>
You Are A Delight To Speak With<br/>
You Are A Considerate And Thoughtful Lover<br/>
Jade: BLUSHING!!!<br/>
Kanaya: Your Physiological Response To My Comment Is Noted<br/>
In Any Case You Are A Genuine And Good Person<br/>
Kanaya: Did You Ever Stop To Consider Why Rose Was Friends With You In The First Place?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: Of course there is! The difference is…<br/>
Jade: I don’t deserve this<br/>
Jade: What I have<br/>
Narrator: Jade – everyone deserves to be able to live as themselves<br/>
Narrator: And everyone deserves to be happy with who they are<br/>
Narrator: Everyone deserves people that care about them<br/>
Jade: You say that! Kanaya says that! Rose says that!<br/>
Jade: Why the hell can’t I believe it?!<br/>
Narrator: Because believing good things about ourselves is usually harder than the opposite<br/>
Narrator: It’s a product of being told we’re not worth it for a long enough time<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: No, I guess I didn’t think about that.<br/>
Kanaya: Do You Consider Rose To Be A Person Of Spectacularly Bad Judgement?<br/>
Jade: No.<br/>
Kanaya: Does She Seem Thoughtless In Who She Chooses To Allow Into Her Life?<br/>
Jade: No, obviously.<br/>
Kanaya: Would You Say She Has Poor Choice In Partners Generally Speaking?<br/>
Jade: Oh way to call me all the way out, Kanaya.<br/>
Fine.<br/>
No.<br/>
Kanaya: Then What Makes You So Utterly Certain That You Are The Sole Exception To This?<br/>
As Opposed To The Alternative<br/>
That You Are Worthy Of Care And Affection As Much As Anyone Else<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: Okay, so maybe I can’t think of some big reason why I feel like this!<br/>
Jade: So fucking what?!<br/>
Narrator: I don’t think there has to be a big reason<br/>
Narrator: We feel how we feel, sometimes<br/>
Narrator: For lots of reasons<br/>
Narrator: Sometimes for no real reason at all<br/>
Narrator: But that doesn’t make the way we talk down to ourselves valid<br/>
Jade: Great – tell that to my stupid brain then!<br/>
Narrator: I think you’re worthy of being loved, Jade Harley<br/>
Narrator: Just as much as your lovers, or your sister, or your friends<br/>
Narrator: I have no interest in wallowing in your further abuse and degradation<br/>
Narrator: How perverse would I be to want that?<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Kanya: And What About Myself?<br/>
Would You Say I Am A Woman Of Uncertain Character?<br/>
Perhaps Of Somewhat Loose Morals?<br/>
Jade: God – stop it! You’re just being silly now!<br/>
You’re one of the most amazing people I know!<br/>
I would trust you with… god…<br/>
With who I am.<br/>
Kanaya: With Your Truest Self?<br/>
Jade: Yes!<br/>
Kanaya: Blushing<br/>
Exclamation Point<br/>
Jade: Stop it!<br/>
Kanaya: If That Is The Case Then Perhaps My Judgement On Your Own Character Bears Repeating<br/>
At The Risk Of Repeating Myself<br/>
I Love You<br/>
All Of Who You Are And Who You Have Been<br/>
All Of The Promise You Hold For The Future<br/>
The Same Way That I Love Rose<br/>
Completely And Without Reservation<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: It’s not that I don’t want it… it just feels so weird<br/>
Jade: What if I screw something up? What if something goes wrong?<br/>
Narrator: Then that’s what happens. We live and we make ourselves vulnerable<br/>
Narrator: Sometimes we get hurt because of that<br/>
Narrator: But closing yourself off from the world… you know how much that hurts already<br/>
Jade: Yeah…<br/>
Narrator: You said you trust her<br/>
Jade: I do!<br/>
Narrator: Then trust her!<br/>
Narrator: Vulnerability isn’t weakness, Jade<br/>
Narrator: ...and shutting yourself off isn’t strength<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: Okay, so here’s the thing…<br/>
I’m afraid of so much – of being lonely or being hurt.<br/>
But I think the thing I’m most afraid of…<br/>
Jade: I think I’m afraid that the people I love will hate me…<br/>
And they won’t say anything because they’re too nice.<br/>
Kanaya: A Terrifying Thought<br/>
And One I Must Admit I Have Perhaps Entertained<br/>
Jade: Kanaya – can you promise me something?<br/>
Kanaya: I Can Promise And Do All In My Power To Hold To It<br/>
Jade: Can you just… please tell me if you stop wanting to be around me?<br/>
I promise I won’t be mad. Just please don’t hide it from me.<br/>
Kanaya: That One Of The Women I Love Most Dearly Would Linger In Darkness<br/>
Unaware Of The Cruel Fate Which Befalls Her?<br/>
I Would Sooner Face The Long Death Than Put Either Of You In That Position<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: I know we’ve talked before… I guess we’ll probably talk again, right?<br/>
Narrator: Maybe – who’s to say?<br/>
Jade: I wouldn’t mind that, I think<br/>
Narrator: Neither would I, Jade<br/>
Jade: I think… I think I feel a little better now<br/>
Narrator: Sometimes we need to bare our souls<br/>
Narrator: Just the smallest amount<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>Jade: Kanaya, I love you too.<br/>
A lot… I mean… a whole lot.<br/>
I don’t want to be weird here.<br/>
I know it’s only been a few months!<br/>
Kanaya: That Is Immaterial To Your Feelings<br/>
Or Mine For That Matter<br/>
I Stand By My Statements<br/>
Jade: Kanaya… thanks. For everything.<br/>
Kanaya: Of Course<br/>
It Is My Sincere Hope That Rose And I Will See You Later Today<br/>
For Lunch And Maybe Other Things That Are Not Technically Lunch<br/>
It Is After All Your Human Birth Day<br/>
When One Traditionally Receives Gifts<br/>
Of A Sort<br/>
Wink<br/>
Jade: Oh god oh god<br/>
Blushing!<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, thank you very much for reading! If you enjoyed this story, check out the rest of the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754740">Born of Want series</a> - a direct alternative to the post-canon continuation, Born of Want explores the relationship we have with others and ourselves as the characters from Homestuck struggle to find a place in their new world and two once-powerful meta-narrative entities struggle to understand their own limitations.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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